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Q:  What is a good alternative to reward and punishment when disciplining my child?

The reward and punishment way of discipline prevents children from making their own decisions and taking responsibility for their choices.  A controlling, threatening tone of voice and behavior invites confrontation and arguing.  Oftentimes, it leaves a child feeling powerless.  Punishment is arbitrary and most of the time is not connected to the "crime".

Logical consequences create a link between the misbehavior and the consequence.  For example, the children are playing ball too close to the house.  A window gets broken.  It is not logical to restrict outside play or cut out watching television or speaking angry words of frustration.  None of these reactions is related to the behavior. They are not tied to the time and place of the wrongdoing. However, having to pay for a new window teaches responsibility and is both logical and fits the behavior.  The consequence should be given in a respectful tone of voice, related to the deed, and be reasonable. 

Provide choices and accept the child's decision.  You can be both firm and kind. For example,  "If you would like to play outside after school, you will need to change your clothes."  If the child refuses or forgets to change clothing, say the following:  "I see that you have not changed your clothes, you can try again tomorrow." 

In order to affect a change in behavior, you have to change your reaction to it. Your nonverbal behavior and tone of voice will promote encouragement and cooperation if it follows the Three R's—respect, related, and reasonable.

Donna McGoff holds a Master of Science in Human Development, Counseling and Family Studies.  She believes by building confidence, building better communication, and building stronger relationships - you can become a More Positive, Effective Parent.  Donna's experience includes working with children for 28 years as a counselor, a teacher, and parent workshop presenter (STEP).  She is the creator of Use Your I's, a board game, published by the Creative Therapy Store of the Western Psychological Service.  Use Your I's is a game that teaches children to communicate in an assertive rather than aggressive manner.  Donna is the owner of Life Coach, LLC and recently launched the website MorePositiveParenting.com. 
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